I can’t teach you to f*cking meditate. (Yet.)

Allow me to be the first to tell you that I have NO idea how to f*cking meditate. I’m working on it, though. And that’s part of why I started this blog. I figure I can’t be the only one out there who settles down onto her overpriced meditation cushion, hits “play” on her guided meditation app, closes her eyes, and within seconds, her focus is so far away from her breath that it’s a miracle she’s still breathing at all.

Here’s how it usually goes:

  • Minute 0: “Okay, you got this. You literally just have to sit here for the next ten minutes and do NOTHING. Nothing, Erika. It’s not that hard. You got this. Let’s go.”
  • Minute 1: “This isn’t so bad. I’m focusing on my breath. It feels good. I’m relaxing.”
  • Minute 2: “The guy in the meditation said that if I feel my mind wandering, I should gently guide it back to my breath. Ok, I’m going to do that now. There we go. There’s the breath again. This is nice.”
  • Minute 3: “Wow I think I actually felt myself relaxing into this! I’m doing it! I’m going to reach enlightenment and all of my problems are going to disappear!”
  • Minute 4: “Hang on a second. I’m doing that thing again. I’m thinking about how I’m not thinking. Fuck. Ok mind, back to the breath.”
  • Minute 5: “Hmm. My belly really gets big when I try to breathe from my diaphragm.”
  • Minute 6: “FOCUS ERIKA. FOCUS.”
  • Minute 7: “He’s telling me to let my mind wander and just let the thoughts roll by. But I’m thinking about not thinking about my thoughts. HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS.”
  • Minute 8: “This cushion isn’t very comfortable. Why did I spend $60 on it?”
  • Minute 9: “Breathe. Breathe. Just breathe. This is alright, actually.”
  • Minute 10: “That was…stressful.”

As of the launch of this blog, my meditation streak is sitting at an impressive one day. But I started this site to talk about more than just meditation. I wanted to give myself space to sort out some of the things going on in my head. I’m trying to figure out how to be present and happy in a world filled with so much chaos, clutter, distractions, and reasons to be anything but calm.

To that end, I’m approaching this blog as a sort of information gathering mission. I hope to approach the topics of meditation, mindfulness, wellness, self-care, anxiety, depression, and mental health in general with humour, curse words, and unflinching honesty. I’m planning to talk with people way more experienced than me when it comes to these topics, and it’s my goal that these conversations will help myself and others figure this all out.

With any luck, one day, I’ll be able to tell you how to f*cking meditate.

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